Honor: 54 [ Give / Take ]
41 entries this month
18:35 Feb 28 2010
Times Read: 918
I'm excited and happy right now.
I just ordered something for myself online.
It's perfect for me.
I've been wanting one for years now.
I can't believe it's going to be coming in the mail and it's going to be my very own.
What is it?
... A Rosary just for me.
The Crucifix is a replica of the Crucifix at Lourdes Chapel in Lourdes, France. And it contains some of the water from there in the water of the heart.
I believe in God. My beliefs just are not the same as other people's. This will give me more strength and faith in myself than anything.
I know if I work for something, God will help me find my way.
And this is the birthday gift to me from Brett. ♥
11:17 Feb 28 2010
Times Read: 918
Last night I had problems sleeping. I haven't had any sleeping pills in a long while and I still need to reschedule with my psychiatrist.
*sighs* I did something I'm not sure whether it was good or not. LOL! I tried tea and warm milk with cinnamon and honey. I tried eating some turkey. I tried a lot.
I ended up drinking a mixed drink.
Grape koolaid with about a shot and a half to two shots of Bacardi 151.
It tasted pretty damn good...
And this morning... my stomach doesn't hurt.
Anyone who knows me in real life or has ever talked to me on the phone usually knows how tender my stomach is.
So since Aurora won't wake up right now. I'm heading back to bed for an hour.
Night night!
:-)
04:27 Feb 28 2010
Times Read: 926
I'm debating about writing something on Courtney's MySpace account and adding a few pictures from her memorial service.
I just got on her account to look over her profile and whatnot.
I'm not sure about how to say what I want without doing her less justice than she deserves.
I feel like I'm intruding on her memory by even logging onto there. I feel scared to touch anything.
I don't know what to do. I feel torn between everything that this decision concerns.
22:28 Feb 27 2010
Times Read: 938
I just laid back on the bed to hit my head on the drill bit sticking out of the drill.
I have a massive headache now.
Just peachy otherwise though. For the most part at least!
17:50 Feb 27 2010
Times Read: 945
There are no happy endings, because nothing ever ends.
-The Last Unicorn
02:26 Feb 27 2010
Times Read: 959
I feel like crap.
I'm watching Poison Ivy with Brett.
Tomorrow I'm concentrating on my homework.
My birthday is next weekend and I'm scared to go with my mom to where she wants to take me.
The snow is coming down outside, there's no way it's just going to be 2 to 4 inches by tomorrow morning.
I got to see perfect snowflakes today!
:-)
15:53 Feb 26 2010
Times Read: 974
I haven't been eating or drinking right. For the past week or so, when I eat something "big" which is small for Brett or someone else, I usually end up in the bathroom vomiting.
My tongue is swelling and my mouth is always dry it seems. My muscles have been cramping to the extreme. It seems to hurt worse when I lay down to get some sleep.
I broke down last night. I needed it though. I've been holding so much in from Courtney's death that I'm glad it caught up to me last night and not later on.
Brett and I kind of had a fight last night. Kind of.
I don't know what to call it.
I got pissed at him because he wanted me to take one of my sleep meds because of how shitty I've been sleeping.
Well at 11:30 pm when I was almost asleep, he gets on my headset to talk to someone.
What the fuck?
And what did I do?
I left the living room, came upstairs to our bedroom, locked the door, and went to bed up here.
At three am, I woke up to pain in my body really bad. So I went back downstairs to my couch...
Brett was already asleep.
I'm avoiding fighting. It's not going to solve anything.
So right now... he went for a walk... and I'm going to fix Aurora and me something to eat.
I drank three glasses of kool-aid last night. And I ate some cereal that stayed down.
It's just going to take some time for my body to catch up with it.
02:21 Feb 26 2010
Times Read: 978
Why couldn't Courtney get some kind of miracle?
I just watched The Haunting in Connecticut with Brett.
I knew the background of the film but wanted to see it.
I remember Courtney talking about it but she didn't want to go see if with other people but me.
We never got to go.
I've heard cases of miracles like this and so many others linked with paranormal activities.
Courtney and I always obsessed over it all. She never saw anything once even when I saw it right in front of me. She was so pure and she hated it.
I want my best friend back.
I want to play the Ouija board and try to contact her Me-maw and my daddy.
I want us to go into the bathroom and repeat people's names three times.
I want us driving in Egypt Valley back.
I want it all back... even the fights.
The tears are burning my eyes now I haven't been keeping hydrated as it is I can't;' even see the screen anymore.
I just want my Court COurt back.
21:14 Feb 24 2010
Times Read: 1,011
Pictures of Aurora from today! ♥♥♥
The authentic smile! LOL!
"Mommy! That big kitty is going to eat me!"
*Ma-ma had just jumped on the bed.*
Right after I had just done her hair. She was trying to take it out already.
Kind of blurry but I like it! ♥
"The kissing monster won't get me!"
The kissing monster attacked before it missed its chance! ROFL!
"Mommy, you're silly!"
*Aurora thinking "What does this do?"*
Mommy: "Aurora! No, not that!"
03:17 Feb 24 2010
Times Read: 1,027
Okra, this is just for you! ♥ Pictures included!
You seem awesome!
Some are older like from August, October, and September.
By the way, Brett wants to be your bitch boy! LOL!
First updated pictures of Aurora!
Aurora and the slimy pizza face. Taken within the last two weeks!
Aurora getting a taste of the big snow! ♥ She wasn't too sure about it. Taken on Friday or Saturday of the past week.
Aurora thinking she made the wrong decision about wanting to play in the snow! LOL!
Now the kitties:
Me and a Nala Cat! The original bitch of an attack cat! I'm going to be destroyed when she passes.
My favorite pictures I've taken of my security kitty, Shadow. The one who just had kittens.
Picture of two of the kittens that Shadow had. Two out of at least four. We think there's more than four. We have to get rid of them in two months.
Now for miscellaneous pictures of Brett and me. Hopefully in the right chronological order. Not completely positive though!
Brett and Skids!
Brett when he was on top of me.
Brett kissing me. ♥
Me and Brett on Saturday, February 13, 2010.
Me and Brett on Saturday, February 13, 2010.
19:20 Feb 23 2010
Times Read: 1,035
So far, I've completed a lot today but I want to get more finished before the day is out.
:-)
Completed:
SLG:
-W10 Study Guide
W10 Lesson Presentation 1
W10 Lesson Presentation 2
-Chapter 11 pp. 389–432
-Chapter 13 pp. 490–492
-Chapter 14 pp. 520–523
-Chapter 16 pp. 568-601
-W11 Study Guide
-W11 Lesson Presentation 1
-W11 Lesson Presentation 2
OS:
-W4 Study Guide
-Part 1, Chapter 8 pp. 178–207
-Part 1, Chapter 9 pp. 212–245
-Part 1, Chapter 12 pp. 290–310
-Part 1, Chapter 13 pp. 316–340
-Part 2, Chapter 7 pp. 1023–1031
-Part 2, Chapter 8 pp. 1090–1101
-Study Survey
Way too much reading for one day! LOL!
I'm hoping to get the following completed yet:
SLG:
-W10 Discussion Forum
-W11 Exam (Two essay questions out of the seven at least)
-W8 Research Assignment - Homeland Security and Local Law
-W9 Research Assignment - Local Jurisdictions
OS:
-Labs
*Project 2, Project 5, Project 6, Project 7, Project 8, and LabSims 0.0 and 1.0*
-W3 Discussion Forum
-Research Assignment - Bus Architecture Concepts
I know I may not get everything done... but it's what I want to get done. I can stand falling short some today, especially after all the reading I've done this morning.
I have lots to do so I'm getting back to it! ♥ Later.
16:04 Feb 23 2010
Times Read: 1,037
I have a LONG week ahead of me and probably an even longer weekend.
My one class ends at the end of next week.
The other class, I can't really grasp the material too well.
Time to hit the books and get my ass in gear, huh?
The site my college classes go through has been messing up. At least the professors are understanding this quarter. I can send the error messages in and get the extra time I need when it won't let me access anything!
Getting back to my homework. Later.
18:17 Feb 22 2010
Times Read: 1,050
Why do I have to be so damn nice?
I've tried changing that aspect of my personality. But I can't.
I'm ashamed of it. I hate that I'm so genuinely nice. I let people step on me so many times before I say fuck it. I let them get away with murder and still love them!
How can this niceness be a good thing?
Seriously, how?
I want to help as many people as I can before I die. I want to affect the world in some kind of way. I have always put myself out to help friends and strangers.
Heck, I've been cut by a knife to stop a friend from killing themselves.
Courtney's death has me thinking of so much in such a short time. I'm depressed and missing her.
03:19 Feb 20 2010
Times Read: 1,071
Allergic reaction, yet again.
Not to any teas or something I knew about either.
Jalapinos peppers. Don't care it's spelled wrong!
Itchy! Burny! About to cry, yet again.
Damn pizza hut! Damn it!
Brett's here for this one to see the reaction.
Its starting to go away... but my tummy is killing me!
00:37 Feb 18 2010
Times Read: 1,095
I had a really bad allergy reaction today. I'm allergic to two teas. Arizona and Tradewinds.
When I was out of it, Brett got me two energy drinks. I used one that day and today I took the other. I was completely, utterly drained and didn't pay attention to what kind or brand it was.
It was Arizona.
My throat felt like it was on fire. My neck started swelling and it felt like I was breathing damp, hot air. My body broke out in a red bumpy rash. Heck, my arms are still kind of red.
I took an anxiety pill to calm down, three Benadryls for the reaction, and a Tylenol for the swelling.
Within an hour, I felt somewhat better. The redness started disappearing and the bumps went away.
My throat is killing me. My skin hurts.
Brett and I agree...
no more Arizona or Tradewinds products in our house.
I feel like crap.
05:01 Feb 17 2010
Times Read: 1,103
I wish I had time to do the latest contest but I don't. I have too much homework to complete. I have too many things to write and get out of my head. I have too many things to catch up on period.
There will be other contests. I know it.
There snow is still coming down outside. We're under a level 2 snow emergency and they're already talking about the next storm to come in early next week.
I feel like jumping out of my skin right now. I'm not sure as to why though.
Aurora got to play in the snow today. She's still scared of it but she lasted a good 10-15 minutes before starting to cry.
I made a snow angel.
Maybe I should mention I'm scared to death of falling in snow. One year when I was small, I slipped and fell. The snow was covered with the iced layer that happens when it starts to melt and than refreezes. It torn into my skin.
The only reason I did it?
To make Aurora feel better about playing in it...
Getting back to the homework I was working on. Night people.
22:00 Feb 14 2010
Times Read: 1,127
Since I'm keeping track. Brett doesn't block people anymore, except for a couple he had in the past. We want Tony out of our lives completely but I guess he just cannot get the point at all.
Shadow of the kitty (2/14/2010 4:12:55 PM): I know you and tiffy dont want to talk tome, but i owe you this much brett. I'm Sorry how i over reacted that day i walked off, and Tiffy fell when she tried to run afetr me. i'm Sorry that i did the stupid shit i did guess i didnt relize i had a good family, till i lost it .just wanted to say Sorry
Shadow of the kitty (2/14/2010 4:13:34 PM): I guess i'll leave you both alone, sense you both want nothing to do with me anymore.
Shadow of the kitty (2/14/2010 4:13:53 PM): I hope your lives are filled with love, smiles, and happyness.
Shadow of the kitty (2/14/2010 4:15:31 PM): i'll leave you unblocked for a few days...that is, if you guys wanan say anything to me at all....i dont blame you if you dont though....
fyrestrike2004 (2/14/2010 4:24:48 PM): Brett handed me his laptop to reply because he doesn't want to talk to you. Go ahead and block us on all accounts. You're out of our lives. All of our lives. We don't want your apologies, they mean nothing to us at all. I'm tired of it, go away because this does qualify for stalking and harassment. So clue in please? Goodbye.
Shadow of the kitty (2/14/2010 4:25:48 PM): not when you can block me it dont...
fyrestrike2004 (2/14/2010 4:26:40 PM): Yeah, it does. I've already talked to people in law enforcement about the situation. Leave me alone. Leave us alone, Tony. Go away.
Shadow of the kitty (2/14/2010 4:27:05 PM): Then block me soi dont see his username on, please.
Shadow of the kitty (2/14/2010 4:27:16 PM): Block and delete, thats all i ask.
Shadow of the kitty (2/14/2010 4:27:37 PM): and, it's not herassment if you keepreplying
fyrestrike2004 (2/14/2010 4:28:00 PM): I'm not doing a thing you ask me to. I don't have to. I want nothing to do with you. And yes, it is because I'm telling you to go away so take the hint.
Shadow of the kitty (2/14/2010 4:28:49 PM): Goodbye.
Shadow of the kitty is typing a message.
Shadow of the kitty (2/14/2010 4:30:01 PM): fyi, have fun when i show the cops the lies you wrote about me, and the " underage " even know she's 20.
Only thing I did to the conversation is hit enter to make it easier for people to read. I have a running count of print outs where he has contacted us first since he's left here. I've already talked to the law enforcement here. The laws on harassment and stalking are different in each state.
Brett and I are honestly thinking of getting restraining orders to end it once and for all.
We're tired of it.
02:42 Feb 14 2010
Times Read: 1,154
I'm putting this here so everyone can see for what it is and no shit can fuckin' be spread.
***********************************
On 19:24:12 Feb 13 2010 (-0 GMT) Darkwhispers wrote:
I'm so sorry about Court.
This song made me think of the bond you two shared. I thought i would send it to you. Please, listen to it. It made me cry, and think of both of you.
From:
DireConsequences
Premiere Sire (121)
21:36:55
Feb 13 2010
Delete
Delete
To Saved
Email to Self
Message To: Darkwhispers
Look Tony, this is my last message to you. I don't want to talk to you. Plain and simple. I'm not going to forgive you, so don't look for forgiveness. You're shit in my book anymore.
I don't want your pity with Courtney passing. Hell, she wouldn't want anything coming from you. She was telling me to kick you out when you were living with us and she thought you were a creep. So yeah I don't want your damned tears, pity, friendship, kindness, or any other god damn thing.
Get it?
Yeah, that's right I found my footing to tell people who I don't want in my life... off. Great for me! Not so good for you anymore.
So go screw yourself. Goodbye.
***********************************
Get the damn point. I'm blocking you again and leaving it this time. I don't want anything to do with you. I don't want anything from you. Not even a single word.
You're out of my life.
Deal
with
it!
You have no one to thank but yourself.
You know, I would probably still talk to you if you would have treated me with the tiniest bit of respect the morning you left my apartment for the bus station.
You couldn't even give me a damn hug!
So fuck you!
05:11 Feb 13 2010
Times Read: 1,169
Today was one of the hardest days of my life... but also one of the most enjoyable.
Yes, my best friend is gone.
But I'm honored to have known her.
In today, I've mourned the lost of a friend, solidified a family, gain new friends, and had the strength and nerve to get in front of people to say some things about Courtney.
I love her. She's the only friend I've had that I know I will consider her my best friend forever.
I'll write more tomorrow. But right now, I really need to get some sleep.
Memorial Service
19:05 Feb 12 2010
Times Read: 1,178
I just finished my letter I wrote to Courtney. I'm placing it with her today. It's 11 1/2 pages of memories, fears, how she impacted my life, and everything else. It's for her... no sugarcoats, no nothing, it's just between me and her.
I'm going to need all the strength I can get for the memorial service today. It's from 5-7 for the showing and 7-9 for the service. After her mom and Steve are having a get together at their house for Court. I'm not sure if I can make it to that but I do want to go.
My mom is watching Aurora for me. She knows how long it last and whatnot.
I can't believe today is the last day I will ever see my best friend's face other then in my memories and pictures of her.
I want my Courtney back.
God, grant me the strength I need for today. Grant me the knowledge of how to cope. I would be grateful for it, even if I only had it for today.
00:51 Feb 12 2010
Times Read: 1,191
I just sent a message to Pete Wentz. Well, I'm having a conversation at this point.
I'm in mine and Brett's bedroom. I'm thinking of old times with Courtney. I'm crying, smiling and laughing. I can see her next to me joining me in the fan girl screams. Like Brett said a little while ago, Court would kick my ass if I didn't do a fan girl scream!
We used to listen to FOB when driving in Egypt Valley, especially at night. We would listen to it and talk about everything and anything on our minds.
I'm burning my cd of their first album and putting it with her at the services tomorrow. I'm also adding a letter I'm going to write tomorrow and one of my collector Hello Kitties.
I'm going to miss her insanely. I know it hasn't even fully hit me yet. She was one of the only best friends I could really turn to and she would get everything instantly. She didn't even care if what I said hurt her, as long as I got it out. And I did the same for her.
That's true friendship.
She taught me about strength, love, happiness, faith, friendships, and family. She taught me so much about the world and fate. She helped me find so much out about myself.
I can only hope I did the same for her.
This is the original message I sent to him:
"I'm so glad I came across your page on someone's profile. I love your guys songs and I've been listening to them on repeat a lot this week. My best friend in the world died on Sunday morning and she was only 21 years old. We used to blare FOB in this haunted area in Ohio while we drove insanely and crap. She passed away from cancer. Tomorrow is her memorial and I'm burning a copy of my cd to put into her coffin with her. Thank you.
I know if she was by my side right now or yesterday when I added you, her and I would be doing a fan girl scream type deal together. That thought alone makes me smile through the tears.
God, I know this probably isn't the weirdest message you've gotten and whatnot... but I kind of feel pathetic for sending it. You know?
I hope this message finds you well.
-Tiffany"
I'm happy Brett told me to do it at the time I was doubting whether I should or not. He's just a person. And this is making me smile and remember the great times Courtney and I had together.
I have to thank him for that. I really do. If I wouldn't have come across his actual MySpace, I would still be thinking the saddest thoughts that would enter my mind.
And I'm tired of people telling me they know how I feel about Courtney dying and things. It's not possible for you to have any clue what's going through my head so knock it the heck off and get a clue!
You don't know how I feel.
No one does.
There's only one person I can accept that comment from and she's in the UK.
It's probably not you, reading this right now.
So go screw yourself!
♥ I'm sure Courtney would support me in that rant!
Getting back to my homework so I can go to Court's memorial tomorrow without feeling more stressed than I'm going to be. Later.
04:55 Feb 10 2010
Times Read: 1,213
Brett's classes are already canceled for tomorrow. I'm happy about it because I was going to basically beg him to stay home. I feel so selfish for that but right now I'm terrified to be by myself. I'm scared I'm going to have "bad" thoughts. I'm scared I'm going to do something considered stupid by everyone else. I just lost my best friend and I can't help but to feel depressed and whatever you want to label it as.
My county is under a level two snow emergency. We're supposed to get some more snow throughout tomorrow. Not much but it's how wet and slick it is. We couldn't even get my car into the drive where we needed to. All my tires did was spin and that was in second and third with Brett pushing and later me pushing to see if we could get it up. It just wasn't happening.
With how bad our drive is and things, I'm wondering if I'll even be able to make Courtney's funeral. I need to go. I have to be there. I can't handle not being able to go.
I'm sitting and crying. I can't stop crying. My best friend is gone and I can't even believe she is. I feel like it's all one big joke and she's going to call and laugh when Brett or me answer. And I know she's not.
She's my Chocolate Covered Sugar Cunt. I'm the only one allowed calling her that.
"Tiffany Rose, what can i say about you.. you have more personality in your little pinky finger than i have in my whole body lol. i do believe you are the most true an real person i've ever met, no matter what your true to yourself. i admire that. you are a very caring, funny, smart, an sweet person. someone i can always go to. i feel besides my mom you are the only other person who truely an completely understands me. though i wish we were like we were before, an i wish i could see you more. your still my best friend, an i hope you'll always be my best friend. no matter where we are or what we are doing we have fun. some of the best moments in my life were with you. i hope to have more, an i know we will. i know your going thru alot right now, but know i'm always here. i can tell you anything. an you always put a smile on my face. an when i have a problem your the first one i wanna talk to, you always know what to do an say. your my chocolate covered sugar cunt. i love you tiffy."
That was one of her more recent posts. I just found this one too on the explanation of her nickname.
" Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Meaning of my name(Chocolate Covered Sugar Cunt)
Current mood: amused
It is not sexual in anyway.
My best friend Tiffy nicknamed me that...
We call each other cunts ^^
I call alot of my friends that and they call me that also...
Im a sexy cunt lol ;)
She came up with Chocolate Covered Sugar Cunt ♥
Im her Chocolate covered sugar cunt no one elses XD
Its just a Nickname....nothing sexual....
-.- I hate when perverts...message me saying shit like...
"is it really"
"can I have a taste"
"lets meet up"
"chocolate covered sugar cunt my kind of girl"
umm yeah i get where they are coming from i mean cunt yeahhhhhh but ewwww seriously......Im tried of being hit on but old nasty men o.o
*shivers*
*The Best Words*
Cunt number one!
Bitch
Whore
Hooker
Ho
Skank
For Reals...
Giggity
AllllllRight
Giddy Up
Bitchin
Chilaxin
Homies
Stroodle ;)
Lover
Bestest
Sexy
Fetch (from mean girls lmao)
Pickles(haha I like to say that word)
Hella
Lush
Uber
Sexyful
Sexafied
to be continued....
Have any cool words....Well then tell me them here...
Haha Im a dork XD"
"my tiffy♥
shes amazing and beautiful inside and out.
shes always there for me.shes my best friend and sister i love her more than anything and would do anything for her.i hope she finds happiness and finds herdelf even though she knows herself and me more than i do lol.shes the most wonderful person i know besides my mommy.♥"
Off her profile:
"My friends and family mean the world to me.
I would do anything for them.
including take a bullet.
I want them to all find happiness
My bestest friend in the world is Tiffany♥
I love her more than Chocolate =]
no one can ever understand me like Tiffy
I love you Tiffy!"
It's so hard to believe my best friend who has almost always understood me is gone. When I talked to my mom when she called right after I found out, I was in shock. She asked me what the hell was wrong with me.
All I could repeat is...
Courtney's dead
Courtney died.
Courtney's dead.
Courtney died.
Courtney died.
Died
Gone
Dead!
It still hasn't even hit me for the most part.
What am I to do without my best friend? The one I've always gone to with problems and helped her out of hers. Hell, I was even her first kiss. I sucked barbecue sauce off her toes. We almost died together a couple of times doing stupid things. Heck, she was blind and she was leading me around while crawling because neither of us could walk from being so drunk.
She has always been one of the best things in my life. The past couple of months, I hadn't even really talked to her all that much. I feel so guilty. Horrible. Unworthy of even knowing her.
I know she forgives. I can already feel that much. I know that much. Hell, I know it!
But I can't forgive myself. I hate my anxiety. I couldn't even remember her cell phone number when I found out. I was that panicked.
I just want to curl up with her right now and here her whisper, "It'll be okay, Tiffy. I love you and I'll be here for you."
I just want my Court Court. I want her back, damn it.
She barely even got to live. She had so many dreams. Some of them, only I know. How can her life really be over?!
My Court Court
15:43 Feb 09 2010
Times Read: 1,230
Yesterday I found out through people's status messages on MySpace that my best friend, Courtney died.
I finally got in touch with someone on there who told me that in fact, she did die. He gave me the number of one of her other friends.
Brett called Mindy. He got the number for me to call Cristy, Courtney's mom. I called and left a message.
About eight something last night I think, Steve called me back. Cristy was sleeping but he heard how upset I was on the phone in my message.
Courtney was set up on Friday in a hospice-style way. On Saturday night, she woke her mom up to tell her she wasn't going to make it through the night and to call her friends.
They tried calling me with my old phone number and the old cell number. I never got to give Courtney my new number because she couldn't get on MySpace and I'm terrified of the phone.
She died on Sunday morning at three am. She went peacefully.
I'm happy she went peacefully.
The services are on Friday at the same funeral home as my grandma and Uncle Jeff.
In the past couple of years, I've now lost four people in my life to cancer. Those are from more recent on:
Courtney
John
My Grandmama
My Uncle Jeff
I'm not up for talking. I've cried more about Court than anyone. She was 21 years old. Everyone else at least had a chance to live life.
00:51 Feb 09 2010
Times Read: 1,236
i'll write later about it all but she is gone..
19:59 Feb 08 2010
Times Read: 1,242
I think my best friend may be dead. I'm fraeking out crying I need to call someone but I'm not sure who. I can't even remember he r cell number right now............
17:25 Feb 08 2010
Times Read: 1,250
When no one else wants to remember what has happened, I'll still be left in the memories.
The saying is by me. It's been in my head repeating the past week or so. I'm not sure what exactly it will mean to anyone else, but I do know what it means to me.
No. I don't care to share what it means to me.
So take it as you will. That's all I'm saying about it.
______________________________________
I'm struggling with some of my thoughts. Although it's probably not the thoughts some people on here may think or anything like that. I'm not even sure Brett knows what I'm talking about in this aspect.
I feel almost lost but not quite. I feel almost immobilized. I feel a little like my old self but with all the fears of yesterday and today.
How is it possible for me to feel so damn much all at once? How can I even slow my thoughts down just a little?
Maybe a speed bump? LOL!
I'm trying to make the best of every situation. I'm trying to stick with my goals and resolutions. After all, isn't that what each of them are there for?
I guess I'm just talking in circles yet again. But I guess it's what I'm good at, huh?
I'm going to go and get some cleaning done.
20:33 Feb 07 2010
Times Read: 1,257
At least I'm feeling a little better today. I haven't unwillingly fallen asleep. I admit I did sleep in though. *blushes* Brett's the one who let me.
I'm doing homework right now and trying to save Brett's butt on his one account. LOL!
I still feel like shit but like I said, I'm feeling better. And overall the iron supplements are helping. So yay!
00:46 Feb 07 2010
Times Read: 1,269
I need to freakin' wake the fuck up! I can't keep falling asleep like this. I'm up for ten minutes, working on my homework, and then without any warning or anything else, I'm asleep!
I'll sleep for an hour to two hours. I'll wake up from a nightmare.
And then, work on my homework and fall asleep yet again.
What the fuck is going on with me?
I just can't stay awake!
If this continues into Monday, I'm calling my doctor, well Brett will.
I'm so tired, my blood sugar is a little high again, and my blood tastes like shit.
I'm low on iron. I know I am. That's probably why I feel like shit. Maybe I should go on the hunt of my iron supplements?
That sounds like a good idea. Later...
16:52 Feb 06 2010
Times Read: 1,275
This is the second day, I feel like I'm completely out of it. I just want to go back to bed and I'm fighting it.
I'm trying to find the motivation and more importantly, the energy to continue working on my homework and things.
I feel like utter shit.
The snow is still coming down.
I'm listening to Lady Gaga and watching "A Bug's Life" trying to get another essay done.
*yawns* Is it bed time yet?
20:24 Feb 05 2010
Times Read: 1,290
Brett's home and been home for a little. I stopped listening to the police scanner because it's doing nothing but making me more anxious now. The police are having problems reaching wrecks and people. This is bad...
In other news, I'm eating my first salad with oil olive and fat free ranch for the dressings.
I find the taste of olives revolting... I was told you couldn't taste the olives, guess what? I can! Yuck!
Its going to take me time to get used to it but other then that, its pretty good.
Lettuce, tomato, cucumber, green pepper, green onion, chopped ham, baby swiss cheese, a little american cheese, and some carrots.
Yummy! ♥
If I keep up with this... I'm going to start making fruit salads for me in the mornings. I have grapefruits, oranges, and bananas right now.
I'm supposed to be eating five meals a day. I usually eat two big meals anymore. So today I'm trying to eat three. I had cereal this morning, salad right now, and here in a little, we're having hamburger helper (Brett's cooking).
I can do this!
I've already written in my journal for over ten minutes a day. I'm going to do some more homework here in a bit. I used olive oil and am eating a salad currently. I started some stretches for my heelcords this morning. And I braved the outside world to sweep the snow off our sidewalk. Two minutes outside is better then none, right?
I can reach my goals! One step at a time but I can do it!
18:27 Feb 05 2010
Times Read: 1,297
I'm listening to a live feed of the police scanners in my area. The chaos is starting insanely! Maybe it isn't such a good idea for me to be listening. But it's letting me know what's going on in my area.
I just called my mommy to make sure she doesn't need anything at all.
On the scanner, the ODOT is trying to keep up with the road conditions but they're already failing miserably. Hell, I've heard four wrecks reported from snow conditions in the last 20 minutes or so. This is insane!
Another one... car in a ditch!
*hides* Brett better be getting home soon as hell!
17:32 Feb 05 2010
Times Read: 1,301
The weather outside is looking kind of scary. Big thick snowflakes are falling. We're supposed to get 7 - 14 inches before tomorrow evening.
I'm thinking we're probably going to get more.
At least I can say we're within walking distance from my mom if we need to go over there. We're within walking distance of a store too. Plus we have plenty of food and everything.
We're set.
:-)
06:31 Feb 05 2010
Times Read: 1,308
It's one-thirty in the morning and I'm just now getting to bed. Brett and I have been talking. I'm having some stomach issues tonight so he stayed up with me to make sure I was okay. I've been writing in my handwritten journal for the past hour to get some of the things off my mind some. I swear, I need to buff up my digestive system! I've been diagnosed with a spasmatic digestive system or that what they explained it to me as. Every time I get upset, I'm either puking or shitting. It's ridiculous! Yesterday, I ate some of an onion blossom and ended up shitting out pieces of it about 20 minutes later. It's supposed to take hours for it to get through my digestive system and its sure as hell not supposed to be chunked! LOL!
Like people really want to know that!
Once I get up in the morning, I'm cleaning some, putting the rest of the groceries away, putting the dishes away, starting the clothes in the washer, cooking breakfast, and once I'm done eating, I'm going to be starting on my homework.
I've got my day pretty much planned. *nods*
Oh today, we had to go out to deal with more bills and whatnot. I was looking at portfolios for when I got to apply for my internship when I get better. It cheered me up a lot! There's one I really like but it's about $50. It's pretty simple but it's still professional and fits me and my personality.
I'm proud to say I'm putting my project from Criminal Investigations in there as the first addition. For now, once I get the printer set up, I'm just going to use a portfolio type folder. That way I'm still organized and prepared but my application to the place I want to go is over a year away. I need to work on getting to that star of mine! ♥
I hate my blood sugar right now. Tonight I had an "episode" and when I checked it, the glucometer (sp?) said it was 237. Ugh! That's way too high for me during the night. The last time I had something to eat was about 7:00 pm.
I'm off to bed now. I'm tired. My head is killing me. Sorry about spelling mistakes or whatever in this journal. I'm typing without my glasses. I can barely read the font! LOL!
Goals
18:23 Feb 04 2010
Times Read: 1,326
I'm quite happy about something but I preferred not to say what.
My final grade in Criminal Investigation is 93% - A. I'm very proud of myself for that!
I'm sticking with the notecards for this Operating Systems course.
I'm keeping up with my homework.
We're eating a lot better in this house.
I have some goals.
1. No more then two cans of pop per day, if any.
2. Cook with olive oil more often. Look up the health benefits, if you want to know why.
3. Try to get better about going outside when I have to.
4. Start doing the exercises for my heelcords again so they are stretched.
5. Start doing yoga every morning in a couple of weeks. (Have to deal with my heelcords first!)
6. Try to drive my car every two-three weeks.
7. Read at least 15 pages a day of the book I'm reading.
8. Try to get my weeks worth of homework done before Thursday.
9. Write in my handwritten journal for at least 10 minutes a day.
10. For at least one meal a day, eat salad. Cut up the veggies and things myself.
Simple things that are not so simple for me to do. I need to though. Every one of those ten will have a big effect on me whether I know it or someone else does.
I need to get back off of here for now. Maybe I'll find some time tonight or something.
17:30 Feb 03 2010
Times Read: 1,330
I'm so happy right now.
That is all...
16:19 Feb 03 2010
Times Read: 1,332
This sucks. I've been lying on my couch with a rice pad on my belly and a comforter over that.
I hate my period! Ugh! The IUD is supposed to help with this shit! Yeah, I'm having my period regularly now... but damn it... I should be able to get up in the morning on the first, second, third, and fourth day!
*screams*
11:31 Feb 03 2010
Times Read: 1,336
Last night was my last night drinking some alcohol for a while. Like I said, I enjoy the taste. Not so much the feeling of being drunk, but the taste. *nods*
I'm already up and starting on my homework. I want to get done with at least five assignments today and work on my notes for the Operating Systems course.
I need to also figure out all the bills today. Ugh! I always hate this time of the month.
*yawns* I'm still tired.
15:31 Feb 02 2010
Times Read: 1,344
I have to go out today with Brett and Aurora.
Is it bad that it's been two weeks since I stepped outside?
I'm scared to death about it. I'm just wanting to hide away fro everything.
I guess it doesn't help that one of my last assignments for Criminal Investigation involved me getting robbed outside with a baseball bat as the weapon.
... Maybe that wasn't the best thing.
I can't get out of this. I'm going to take my journal, the bills, and anxiety pills.
09:34 Feb 02 2010
Times Read: 1,347
I drank a little last night. Like two drinks. Nothing too big or too bad. It was because I love the taste. I had an orange cream thing and a half glass of whiskey and Pepsi.
I feel like shit.
It's sadly not from the alcohol itself. It's from my stomach...
And I got my period.
I want to hide inside my couch.
Funny thing is... I was even working on my homework while being tipsy and I remember it this morning.
I had some FUCKED UP dreams though.
12:15 Feb 01 2010
Times Read: 1,364
I'm thinking of trying to catch another hour of sleep before Aurora's awake. I'm so exhausted. She was up late last night, which means she'll sleep until 8 or possibly 9 this morning.
My grade in Criminal Investigation is at a 94% with three assignments he hasn't graded.
I'm proud of myself!
I set out to achieve a goal and I did! First time in a LONG time I actually BELIEVED in myself again!
I'm going to start tackling my homework for my classes this week before I do anything else online.
I have four assignments left before I get caught up completely in State and Local Government.
Today is the start of my second Operating Systems class.
01:15 Feb 01 2010
Times Read: 1,045
I'm scared to update this because my grade still isn't final.
I have 3 assignments he hasn't graded.
But right now, I'm at a 90% A!
I'm so freakin' happy!
Here's his comment on another one of my assignments:
"Tiffany, Outstanding job on this assignment! One of the best submitted! -Prof. Harper"
How freakin' awesome, right?!
Busting my ass to get everything done and in was sure as hell worth it!
COMMENTS
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fyre
18:44 Feb 28 2010
Its very pretty, and if it helps you then great, if not, its a great fidgit toy.....
Eleanna
19:01 Feb 28 2010
Its very pretty :)
Malky
19:48 Feb 28 2010
wow thats really pretty.
im not catholic but still its very nice looking.
mysticwinds
23:42 Feb 28 2010
Now I am jealous!!!
Very beautiful
I will be down your house to get it.
*laughing*